Bad kung fu movies are a great way to mindlessly burn away an otherwise gloomy afternoon. Few cinematic experiences can deliver the same kind of unbridled mirth obtained from witnessing a poorly dubbed martial arts movie, especially if the film in question is stuffed like your mother's Thanksgiving turkey with horrible dialogue, ridiculous fights, and a whorehouse teeming with every venereal disease known to mankind. One of the easiest ways to acquire such a picture is to say your prayers every night and to sacrifice the remains of your childhood pets to the all-knowing, God-like, dog-shaped figurine in the sky. Or so I've been told, anyway.

I received the hopelessly obscure kung fu opus Ninja Death when I dropped several crisp American dollars for the Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack, a box set filled with some of the lamest and most hilariously awful kung fu flicks I've ever had the privilege of owning. It's a treasure trove for the bad cinema aficionado, a cheap cardboard container housing all sorts of questionable martial arts booty. You know you're just aching to purchase a copy for yourself, you impossibly randy bastard.

The story concerns itself with a guy named Tiger and his misadventures while managing a small Chinese brothel teeming with exotic female companions. Naturally, life is as dandy as store bought candy for our mildly ridiculous hero, that is, until a group of shady Japanese characters open a bordello on the other end of town. And when I say shady Japanese characters, I mean ninjas. Nimble ninjas, the kind that wear solid black outfits and wield extremely sharp swords. Needless to say, the competition is deadly serious about providing incredible customer satisfaction at cutthroat prices.

The ninjas, it would seem, are led by the mysterious Grand Master, a sinister fellow who is desperately searching for a man with a unique plum flower tattoo plastered prominently across his hairless chest. Tiger's mentor, a gentleman known only as "The Master," believes this new threat is linked to his pupil's storied past, prompting the old man to prepare his student for the battle to come. Once the obligatory training sequence is out of the way, Tiger and The Master are forced to contend with a number of bizarro enemies as their lives quickly spiral out of control. Can these two bumbling heroes stop the Grand Master from accomplishing his sadistic mission before the film ends abruptly?

Since the epic Ninja Death saga has been broken into an easily digestible three-course meal, I've decided to approach each segment as an individual film. I also recommend that you do the same, allowing at least a 24-hour gestation period in between chapters. Why, you ask, should you wait one full day to continue this awe-inspiring narrative? Because, dear readers, consuming this life-altering kung fu extravaganza in one sitting could cause serious damage to basic bodily functions, including loss of eyesight, permanent erectile dysfunction, and a particularly nasty case of pink eye. You've been warned.

With a name like Ninja Death, one should expect to find the following off-brand items peppered throughout the film: lots of ninjas and a considerable amount of death. Thankfully, the filmmakers — who have kindly removed their names from the opening credits — didn't skimp on the essentials, serving a generous portion of violent martial arts wizardry to those hungry for such fattening fare. The numerous fight sequences are suitably outlandish and appropriately cheesy, thanks in part to a cast of unbelievably kooky characters and their impressive arsenal of goofy ninja weaponry. The hulking brute in the devil mask is a personal favorite, a man designed specifically to appeal to the eight year-old boy lurking inside every moronic kung fu fan. It's okay — I'm there for you.

The most appealing aspect of this film, however, would be the English dub soundtrack. Midway through the picture, everyone develops a zany British accent, replacing the dodgy American-tinged voice work heard during the first action-packed thirty minutes. The transition is subtle, mind you, but you'll pick up on it sooner or later, I'm sure. The quality of the dub, of course, allows for a number of infinitely quotable moments, the kind of garbage you'll trade back and forth with your nifty MySpace pals for months to come. It's bad poetry in motion. Simply marvelous.

Ninja Death is the ultimate martial arts party movie, an off-beat kung fu adventure overflowing with gratuitous violence, pointless nudity, uncomfortable sex scenes, bawdy humor, and lots of spiffy expletives. If the sequels are as genuinely absorbing as the first entry, yours truly will be a very, very happy camper lost in a forest filled with enormous psychedelic mushrooms. As it stands, Ninja Death is reason enough to drop a small wad of sweaty cash for Mill Creek Entertainment's satisfying Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack. It's a bad kung fu fan's dream come true. With ninjas.

And death.

On Wednesday’s General Hospital:

Lucky tried to take back his accusations that Jake was kidnapped by some fault of Elizabeth’s but it was just too little too late as far as she was concerned. In a heart to heart with Emily Liz says she can’t hold Lucky together, it’s taking every ounce of energy she has to keep herself focused on Jake.

With all his doubts about Sam swirling in his head, Jason can’t help but wonder if she is the one who kidnapped his son. Not being able to do anything from his jail cell, he asks Spinelli to keep a close eye on her and report back anything unusual. Both men are concerned when Sam encourages Spinelli to not get involved in the search and when she receives a delivery of a blue infant sleeper.

The possible list of suspects include Sam, Amelia, and Jerry, but I’m not too sure it will be any of the above, and least not entirely one person. I also don’t think we’ll see a mob connection on this one, even though Jake’s paternity is the worst kept secret in town.

After a blowout with Amelia, Sam runs off to the Metro Court bar where she drowns her sorrows in alcohol. As usual, when drunk Sam has a way of saying way too much, and this time it was to Carly, nearly telling the other woman of Jason’s connection to Elizabeth before Amelia dragged her away.

Edward was thrilled that Tracy continued talking to her brother the ghost in front of Lainey, playing into his hand and prompting the psychiatrist to return with the men in white coats to drag her off to Shadybrook. How typically Quartermaine to institutionalize your daughter so you can grab shares of the company. Was it just me or did we get just the smallest glimpse that Monica can hear Alan too, as she stopped cold and glanced back at “the chair” after one of his remarks? It would be an unexpected twist for it to be Monica who rescues Tracy from her new padded cell.

Jax is up to something. Unexplained phone calls and visits from Alexis have Carly worried it has something to do with Jerry, but I’m fairly sure this is not the case as the show ended with Jax whisking Carly off to the plane asking him to trust her. Jax would not take Carly on a chase after his brother — but that doesn’t mean that he won’t be off after his sibling soon.

Warning! News and Spoilers Ahead!

We’re about three weeks away from the premiere of the Soapnet spinoff, Nightshift, and the cable channel has begun airing promos; check out one below:

If you’ve been paying close attention lately you’ve seen new sets (the new doctor’s lounge for one) and new characters (student nurses) for the show that will make its debut on July 12 at 10:00 pm.

Congratulations to Genie Francis and Rick Hearst for their Daytime Emmy wins!

Wife, mother, aspiring novelist, and music editor at BC Magazine, Connie Phillips spends most of her time in a fantasy land of her own creating. In reality, she writes about music, television, and the process of writing, when she’s not cheering on her kids at equestrian events. Contact: Phillips.connie@gmail.com

Ten years ago, the American Film Institute released their list of the 100 greatest American films. Now, a decade later they’ve slightly revised the list. The changes are not without merit. Along with additions, some films were bumped up a few notches, some dropped a few. Even the top ten underwent changes.

The reasons for adjusting the list are understandable. The past decade has seen changes in the technology behind movies and has resulted in some spectacular films. Additionally, the world has changed and so a film’s impact on today’s society has been altered. It was with these considerations in mind that AFI broke out their collective red pens and began slashing at the 100. Consider some of the additions.

Toy Story entered the canon at #99. It was included since it was the first computer-animated film. A brief discussion ensued about the heart of the story; while it was a great little movie, its merit here is purely technical. Also included because of groundbreaking filmmaking techniques was The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. It entered at number fifty. It was the only one of the trilogy to make it. These both illustrate very well, however, why a revision of the list was needed due to technical aspects of filmmaking.

Some other noteworthy additions: Spartacus and All the President's Men. The former is a sometimes brutal war movie about the price of freedom; the latter an expose of the Watergate conspiracy. These are interesting choices given the current political climate of the United States. There was also a movie called Nashville included. It involved country music but there's no apparent reason for it to be #60 of the top 100 films. Hicks aren’t that big of a constituency in this country, are they? Or was this just a joke?

A very worthy addition: Blade Runner. There is no science fiction movie that makes a person think more about the meaning of humanity than this movie. Another note here, Harrison Ford seems to be in many of these one hundred movies. Interesting.

The top ten were scrambled a little from ten years ago. They were as follows:

10. The Wizard of Oz (#6 last time)

9. The Graduate (#7 last time)

8. Schindler’s List (#9 last time)

7. Lawrence of Arabia (#5 last time)

6. Gone With the Wind (#4 last time)

5. Singin’ in the Rain (#10 last time)

4. Raging Bull (#24 last time)

3. Casablanca (#2 last time)

2. The Godfather (#3 last time)

1. Citizen Kane – still number one

The biggest change is Raging Bull’s rocket-like rise to the top five. It’s been said that Scorsese’s film are exposes of masculinity and that this is his masterpiece. Are men questioning themselves more this past decade?

It’s no surprise that Citizen Kane is still on top. Everyone unanimously agrees that it is the greatest of movies and it does have spectacular moments and is a tremendous work of art. (Personally, I’d vote for Monty Python and the Holy Grail as the greatest ever; it did not make the list at all and that is greatly offensive).

The presentation of the films was well done. Not a lot of blabbing, just a little bit of analysis and some commentary. The whole program moved briskly. Three hours were over before you knew it. Another ten years will see another edition of the list and it will be fascinating to see what changes are made by then.

You can see the whole list at AFI's website.

Now, go to your local movie rental store, check out pay-per-view, or load up your Netflix queue, and let’s watch some movies.