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Archive for the ‘Celebrity Gossip’ Category
Monday, April 14th, 2008
Brooke Hogan hosted a charity boxing event over the weekend that will be featured on an episode of her new reality show Brooke Knows Best. I always like to see others succeed*, so here's a few tips that Brooke should know best about:
1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis.
2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half- ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing.
3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters "T, R, A, N, S."
4. Lead with the boobs. Your mother had them installed as some sort of cruel affront to God and nature so you might as well flaunt those round, blasphemous fun-bags like it's your job. (Hint: It is.)
Best of luck to you! I guarantee to never watch your show,
The Superficial Writer
*Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and the entire cast of The Hills excluded. And, oh yeah, Dustin Diamond.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
Mariah Carey will appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show today to show off her amazing diet secrets. Turns out it's as easy as hiring your own personal chef while you stand around your kitchen like a moron. Get out! Here I was deep-frying entire pints of Ben & Jerry's. Ha! I was way off.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
 Toni Braxton’s recent hospital visit has resulted in her canceling the rest of this month’s performances of her Las Vegas show.
The showroom at the Flamingo Las Vegas, where the 40-year-old has been headlining in Toni Braxton: Revealed, shall remain dark this week while Braxton undergoes additional medical tests following her April 7 hospitalization for chest pain, the Associated Press reports.
She is due to return to the show May 6. Until then, the Flamingo will offer refunds for the canceled shows.
The six-time Grammy winner – who on a previous occasion was treated for hypertension and pericarditis, a viral inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart – was released from the hospital April 8 after undergoing precautionary tests at a Las Vegas medical facility. She was said to be resting at home.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
Unlike her current imitators such as Paris Hilton, the now-dyed Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe the original blonde bombshell made a sex tape that ended up being classified by the FBI. I doubt copies of "A Night in Paris" are locked away next to the Ark of the Covenant. The vintage tape was declassified and was sold to a collector for a whopping $1.5 million. (Note: Porn is free on the internet. Just sayin'.) The tape only features Marilyn Monroe having oral sex with an unidentified man whose face remains off camera, according to the New York Post:
The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-'60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe's sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.
The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.
The legendary film was sought by others when it's existence became known. The FBI had confiscated the tape from an informant but not before he made a copy:
According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.
"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."
All I have to say is, what the shit? People gave blowjobs in the '50s??! Annnd I'm impotent. Good game, penis.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
Victoria Beckham's clothing line is being pulled from Fred Segal's and Kitson. Much like Posh Spice her clothes turned into a stick thin anomaly with a freakishly large head. Okay, that metaphor kind of sucked, but I think you get my point. InTouch reports:
Posh's DVB denim range is being dropped due to poor sales and a lack of promo work from the Spice Girl herself. "We asked her PR people so many times for her to appear but she didn't," said Kitson owner, Fraser Ross. "Celebrity lines are no different from an album or music tour. They have to be promoted to sell."
What else does Victoria Beckham have to do besides show up to promote her clothing line? I mean, it's not like she's got a full schedule or anything - she's Victoria Beckham. I bet if you asked five random people on the street who she was, only one might know the correct answer: That's she Katie Holmes' clone for organ harvesting purposes. Duh! Geez, America, read a book.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
Two stories in a row about Britney? I was enjoying the long blissful period since that's happened. But, in all actuality, Britney didn't do anything out of the ordinary. She just got into her Mercedes and hit somebody on the freeway reminding us that Britney + wheels = OH, GOD, NO! I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE! People reports:
According to the accident report, "The collision occurred when the driver of the Mercedes, driving in the #3 lane, in stop and go traffic failed to observe the vehicle directly ahead of her come to a complete stop. She attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle prior to colliding into the rear of the Nissan [in front of her]."
Just to emphasize the point of how Britney Spears and vehicles are a ticket to Holy Shit-town, one time she tried to ride a bike, next thing you know, POW! 9/11. True story.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
Neil Patrick Harris realized he's an idiot and reversed his remarks criticizing stunt casting, such as Britney Spears, appearing on his show How I Met Your Mother. The Doogs finally concluded that "Oh, shit, ratings = work." I knew there was some boy genius left in there. The AP reports:
"I am just very protective of our show, and its content. I have a high standard of quality, and hope to maintain it on every level. Television is big business, I understand that. I have great faith in our casting department, as well as (Twentieth Century Fox Television) and CBS, to find the appropriate person for every role on our show. I was remiss in speculating otherwise."
Then echoing my sage-like advice that he shouldn't talk, which I'm sure he read while flying on Gossamer wings above a bunch of naked dudes, Neil admitted he best shutteth thine yap:
"My job description is to act," his statement said, "and I should really do just that."
BOO-YEAH! The Superficial Writer: 1. Doogie Howser: 0.*
*I refuse to acknowledge that open-heart surgery you performed in an overturned bus. Pfft. Anyone can do that. Right, homeless guy I've been practicing on? Homeless guy? ... So, uh, know any good child-prodigy lawyers? No reason.
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Monday, April 14th, 2008
 And baby makes five for Cate Blanchett and her writer-director husband, Andrew Upton.
Their third child, son Ignatius Martin, was born Sunday at a Sydney hospital, according to Australian magazine WHO. Just two days earlier Blanchett had attended her younger sister’s university graduation.
The couple, who are based in Australia, already have two sons: Dashiell John, 5, and Roman Robert, 3.
In November, when she confirmed her pregnancy, Blanchett, 38, was informed of rumors that she was carrying a boy, prompting her to respond: “You know more than me. It’s early days yet. It’s due in April.”
The Aviator Supporting Actress Oscar winner and Upton are currently co-directors of the Sydney Theatre Company – a career move partly made in the interests of her children. Elder son Dashiell, says his mom, “needs to be settled, and I respect that.”
And the new little one seemed settled, too – even at February’s Oscars. As Blanchett – with a very full belly – strolled the red carpet, she said, “He’s actually asleep – believe it or not, which bodes well.”
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Sunday, April 13th, 2008
Dr. Phil tried to score himself some "exclusivity" this weekend after shooting himself in the foot with the Britney Spears fiasco. But life must hate the Phil because this attempt fired yet another bullet into his hoofer. You see, Satan's doctor wanted an exclusive interview with one of the eight teens that lured a 16-year-old girl into a house where she was beaten on camera ( CBS4 report here.) The motive: Make a killer You-Tube video that their friends would OMGZ! over. (One vasectomy, please!) Anyway, here's how Dr. Phil's producer botched their "exclusivity," according to TMZ:
Here's the way it all went down: The good Doc's executive staff sent a seasoned producer down to Florida, along with a P.A. to chase the story of 8 teens who allegedly beat a classmate on tape. We're told the folks back home were horrified when they saw Mr. Large-and-In-Charge putting the smack down on local reporters after springing 17-year-old Mercades Nichols from the pokey. We're told execs on the show were pissed that the experienced producer allowed the P.A. to be in a position to embarrass the show in front of the cameras.
The bigger question -- who hatched the plan to pay the bail for the woman accused of kidnapping and videotaping the brutal beating? The show issued a statement saying certain staff members "went beyond their guidelines," but the buzz on the Paramount lot is that it would be impossible for the producer to pay the $3,300 for the bail and put up $33,000 in collateral without the full knowledge and approval of higher-ups on the show.
The best part is, after all these shenanigans, there's a gag order on the case so none of the kids could've talked anyway. HA! Now Dr. Phil just looks like an opportunistic butthole. Well, more so than usual. In the meantime, someone told me that children are the future. Super. Does anyone have a shotgun I can borrow? I just want to fire it into my ear canal for a second. You can have it right back.
Video of the P.A. squawking about "exclusivity" after the jump.
Photo: Getty Images
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Sunday, April 13th, 2008
 Britney Spears is unhurt after being involved in a highway accident Saturday evening in the Los Angeles area.
The pop star was driving her 2008 white Mercedes northbound on the 405 connector to the 101 freeway when the collision occurred at 8:18 p.m., the California Highway Patrol confirmed.
According to the accident report, “The collision occurred when the driver of the Mercedes, driving in the #3 lane, in stop and go traffic failed to observe the vehicle directly ahead of her come to a complete stop. She attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle prior to colliding into the rear of the Nissan [in front of her].”
The Nissan, as a result, collided into another car, which was not damaged. No one was injured, according to the report.
Later on Saturday night, Spears went out to dinner at Dominick’s in West Hollywood with her mother Lynne – driven by bodyguards.
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