These are stills from Christina Aguilera's appearance on Ellen yesterday. For those of you who couldn't sit through the video, here's the highlights. And by highlights I mean her boobs. I don't know why I felt the need to spell that out. It's pretty much a given on this site. I guess sometimes I want to make sure we're all on the same page. And by the same page I mean her boobs.

Nick Lachey and his girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo make their living by simply showing up at places. They get paid to visit tropical resorts that need publicity or do photo shoots at department stores. Nick just has to stand around for a couple hours and take pictures. Easy stuff, right? Apparently not for Nick Lachey. Page Six reports:

According to a source at JC Penney's "American Living" launch at Skylight on Hudson Street, "Nick was complaining the whole time he was there. He started whining, 'When can I get out of here?' and refusing to take photos. That's what he was paid to show up for."

Jesus. Nick Lachey's life really is sheer torture. I mean, the dude gets handed bags full of dough but he has to smile for pictures. I had no idea such inhumane practices go on in this country. But, on top of that, he has to go home and bang Vanessa Minnillo. I don't know how he does it day after day. Gandhi had it easier than this. Actually, I'm serious about that. Gandhi was never forced to have a conversation with Jessica Simpson. If he did, he'd probably have thrown himself underneath an elephant.

Jennifer Lopez is concerned that a plot may be afoot to kidnap her newborn twins. Her husband Marc Anthony made sure security is tight at North Shore University Hospital, according to Life & Style:

The hospital reportedly stepped up its security drills, which involve locking down the hospital in case a baby is kidnapped or otherwise vanishes. “They practiced the alerts twice a week in early February,” says a staffer. “That definitely had to do with J.Lo.”
“Babies have been kidnapped before,” a friend notes. “Jennifer had obvious concerns about security.”

Who would want to steal J-Lo's offspring? Either the government for some crazy X-Files shit. Or Ben Affleck. Yeah, that's right, I said it: Ben motherfucking Affleck. He might look all innocent but that guy has baby-stealer written all over him. I saw Daredevil. He's capable of some seriously messed up stuff. I'm blowing this case wide open! UPDATE: Jennifer Garner just kicked down my cubicle and continually karate chopped me in the groin. I retract my comments about Ben Affleck. Also - no, I can't say it. Don't make me! *nad chop* Okay! Daredevil should've won an Oscar! Are you happy? Oh, God, I feel so dirty. I'll never get over this. I - Ooh! Who brought donuts?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt apparently have a video game in the works. You get to play as Hollywood's most retarded couple! OMG! Spencer promises it'll be addicting and out in time for Christmas 2009. Us Magazine has the details:

“You can definitely play as us or you can play against us,” Pratt said. “You can even torture me.”
He said “there's going to be two versions: the adult version and the one for minors,” adding, “just be ready, that's all I have to say.”

If this game lets me live out my fantasy of driving a tank into Spencer's face while I box Heidi's fake breasts, put me down for ten copies. I'll be giving these bad boys out to my loved ones. Merry Christmas, Grandma! Let's bake cookies then play baseball with Spencer's head. Just ignore what my character is doing with Heidi. Mmm, that's good holiday cheer.

Kim Kardashian went shopping on Robertson Blvd. yesterday while filming an episode of her reality show. She probably bought stuff, interacted with people but who cares when you can look at her ass? Kim Kardashian could single-handedly defeat terrorism, Communism and cancer but people would still say, "Hey, isn't she that chick with the huge butt?" That's probably the most inspiring tale of the female spirit you'll ever hear in your life. Susan B. Anthony is clapping in her grave right now - which makes me think she could be doing something useful like the dishes. I'm on to you, lady!

Ellen DeGeneres, like any red-blooded man, found herself awestruck by the mammary glands of Christina Aguilera. Christina stopped by Ellen's show today, and Ellen asked the question that's on everyone's minds. People reports:

"You look great. One question: Are you nursing?"
A blushing Aguilera responded: "I guess it's a little obvious," and DeGeneres quipped back, "It's going to be a healthy baby boy."

But it wasn't just tits and nipples. It was also about wangs. Notably balloons shaped like wangs as Christina divulged her horribly apropos choice of decorations for her son Max's bris:

"We are not a very conservative couple," she told DeGeneres. "For decorations we put up penis balloons all over the place. It was really fun, it was really great." A stunned Ellen replied: " "Really, they have penis balloons in a shop ... you can just buy them?"

But then Ellen quickly realized her folly. She said the word "penis." That mammoth-chested bitch tricked her! But before Ellen could react it was too late. She was transported back to her home dimesion - never to return. On that note, Ellen's show will now be replaced by "The Christina Aguilera Boob Hour." If you'll excuse me, I need to set my TiVo and buy a whole lot of maple syrup. Uh, because I'm making waffles. Yeah, waffles... Super chesty video of the interview after the jump.

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron allegedly star in a new sex tape with a yuletide theme. While I prefer my amateur porn to celebrate Canadian Boxing Day, this sounds promising. The Sun reports:

Reportedly the beauty, whose naked pictures were leaked on to the net last year, is sitting underneath a Christmas tree wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a red thong.
She says to the camera: “I’ve been a good girl this year.”
Then boyfriend ZAC EFRON appears before nature takes its course.

Okay, yeah, this is totally fake. I don't for one second believe Zac Efron became aroused at the sight of Vanessa Hudgen in just a thong and Santa hat. Maybe if she had on a full Santa costume complete with the beard and fake belly. Then I could maybe see this thing happen. But, real quick, those suits come with penises, right? I mean, that just seems like a standard feature to me. Otherwise, really, I don't get the point of the whole outfit.

While Dina Lohan thinks Lindsay's nude photos are the second coming of Christ, Michael Lohan has yet to see the topless shots of Lindsay as Marilyn Monroe, according to Us Magazine:

“I’m not going to look at the photos — that’s my daughter!” he told Usmagazine.com in a telephone interview this morning.
“Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career,” he said. “It’s her decision."

Michael Lohan hung up the phone then looked down at the coffee table. There, almost tauntingly, sat Lindsay's issue of New York magazine. And then it spoke: "Michael, dude, seriously." Michael Lohan shrugged his shoulders and said "Shit, I can't argue with that... Eww. Why are they sagging like that? Gross!" Michael Lohan walked away and went looking for the Sears catalog.

Despite my unbridled fury about her meatless footwear, Natalie Portman showed Scarlett Johansson how to look classy as hell at the London premiere of their new film The Other Boleyn Girl. I assume it's about those little cubes you use to make soup. All my culinary geeks in the house say "Ho!" Wow, I'm retarded. Anyway, here's a bunch of pics of Natalie looking exceptionally sexy. I only added a few of Scarlett because she looks my date to junior prom - but without the moustache.