Sylvester Stallone denies ever using steroids but is all about human growth hormone. He used it to beef himself up to 209 pounds for his new Rambo movie. He goes on the record about HGH in the latest issue of Time, according to Page Six:

"HGH [human growth hormone] is nothing. Anyone who calls it a steroid is grossly misinformed," Stallone says in the issue out tomorrow. "Testosterone to me is so important for a sense of well-being when you get older. Everyone over 40 years old would be wise to investigate it because it increases the quality of your life. Mark my words. In 10 years, it will be over the counter."

If you’ll excuse me, I need to build a time machine so I can roid out at CVS in the year 2018. I should be back after lunch to dominate your women. Tell them to dress sexy. Sort of like they’re auditioning for Rock of Love with Bret Michaels but more whoreish. If that’s even possible.

Tracey Edmonds split from Eddie Murphy before the two legally married because he wanted to bring his mother on their honeymoon. He’s also a bit of an asshole. I mean, an alleged asshole. Page Six reports:

That was kind of the last straw," said a friend of the beautiful bride. "She was happy to sign a prenup - she has her own money. She was very accommodating. But then it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Eddie became very controlling and they got into a huge fight. He started screaming at her and grabbed her. She was scared."

So, when Eddie Murphy isn’t roughing up the ladies, he wants his mom to hear him have sex on his honeymoon. I don’t want to say Eddie Murphy is the pinnacle of mental health, but, seriously, he seems well-adjusted. I bet he walks down the street and pushes old people into traffic. You know, because he’s deep like that.

Amy Winehouse checked into rehab today, according to a statement issued by her record label Universal Music Group:

"Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors. She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction."

Meanwhile, her cat is still nowhere to be found. A representative for London Taxi Co. refused to comment.

Britney Spears caused an incident at a Beverly Hills elementary school when she was spotted outside smoking and talking to herself, according to Us Magazine:

“She was just rambling and confused,” says the witness, who approached Spears to ask if she was OK. “She said, ‘I’m here to pick up my kids.’ But then she changed her story and said, ‘They aren’t my kids; I have a new attorney, and I came to pick them up for her.’”

At this point the kids were being let out and the sight of Britney Spears naturally terrified the little tykes:

“It became the talk of the school. Some of the kids were freaked out,” says a school source. She was directed to a more secure entrance around back.
But before getting into her car and driving off (without any children), she chatted up the female witness: “She said, ‘You’re so nice. You should give me your number. I don’t have very many friends.’"

Either Britney Spears is now trying to kidnap random children or her lawyer is stupendously fucking retarded. Who the hell sends Britney to pick up their children? You’d be better off finding a pack of stray dogs and letting them sniff your kid’s hat. Of course, my lazy dad didn’t have much luck with this method. I was always biting the neighbors on account of the rabies, and they never did find my brother Jeffy.... But then again, Britney Spears, I dunno. Can't you just buy the kids guns?

Tony Romo apparently believes the rumors that Jessica Simpson distracted him and decided the two should “just be friends,” according to NY Daily News:

A few days after the Giants bounced the Cowboys from the playoffs, Romo called the "Dukes of Hazzard" star to tell her their romance was over.
"He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends," a pal of hers said.

Poor Jessica Simpson. I guess she’s on the rebound and is probably through with professional athletes. Well, she’s in luck. I’m also single and don’t professionally play any sports. Though I am a champion at Nude Photo Hunt at the bar. And by champion I mean I drunkenly make out with the machine until the bouncer hits me with a cue stick. It’s sort of my calling in life and, as long as Jessica respects that, I can see a future for us.

Ben Stiller and other celebrities are defending Tom Cruise after several Scientology videos were leaked last week and an unauthorized autobiography about Tom was released. People reports:

"Imagine having a baby and people talking about it the way they did," says Stiller. "People lose sight of the fact that Tom Cruise is actually a person. I feel for him."

Ben Stiller has a point. I mean, Tom Cruise is a person. Who’s really an alien - trapped inside a person. That can talk to other aliens inside other persons. It all makes sense when you think about it and are really, really high. NOTE: I reposted the FunnyOrDie spoof because, well, it’s freaking hilarious. I still can't get over it’s Jerry O’Connell. I thought he was just a myth.

Here’s the latest update on the Heath Ledger situation. The $20 bill was clean and now it’s being reported that any drugs found at the scene were prescription drugs specifically for Heath, according to the AP:

There were six different types of prescription drugs in the room, including pills to treat insomnia and anxiety, and an antihistamine, according to two law enforcement officials who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing.

All respect to Heath, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it probably wasn’t a good idea to mix all those. Then again, what do I know? I still take Flintstones Vitamins. Time to get my Dino on...

Demi Moore posed for the cover of V Magazine's Spring Preview 2008. I'm confused by these covers. And not just by the photoshopping. I thought this magazine was about people with vaginas. Maybe the editors confused Demi with Ashton Kutcher. It happens. He definitely has a V. In fact, I hear it's a W. I don't really know what that means, but I bet it explains why Bruce Willis stops over a lot.

The video of Amy Winehouse smoking crack that The Sun released on Monday may lead to legal troubles for the singer. Apparently the video was filmed right before Amy attended the hearing for her husband Blake on Friday. The AP reports:

Police will look at the video before deciding whether any charges should be brought against Winehouse, a Metropolitan Police spokesman said while speaking on condition of anonymity in line with force policy.

I wonder if they’ll find anything illegal on the tape like, oh, I dunno, Amy Winehouse smoking crack! Then she suggests her cat should pack up and leave. I mean, that has to be illegal. Cats can’t drive. Except for mine. He’s pretty good at it. I leave him in the car while I get hammered at the local tavern because I’m a hero. Then Fluffy drives me home or at least attempts to. He mostly just meows at the steering wheel while I lie on the floor and work the gas with my face. But it’s cool; I make him wear a seatbelt. NOTE: For those of you curious about Amy's appearance, these photos were taken last night. She changed her hair color over the weekend. Apparently blonde hair is too crazy for Amy Winehouse.

Britney Spears' lawyers scheduled an emergency hearing today to allow Britney to have therapeutic visitation with her children. Britney initially showed up at the courthouse then bolted before the hearing began. This probably didn't help her case because, in a quick decision, her request was denied. TMZ reports:

Sources told TMZ Brit wanted visitation restored in a "therapeutic setting" -- meaning under the treatment of medical professionals -- but that wasn't gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea. The Court noted Brit's absence.

On a related note Mark Vincent Kaplan made the following remarks to People about Britney's deposition:

We are going over things that are very, very gut-wrenching. Just to revisit them even in your own mind would not be pleasurable. It's not something anyone would enjoy," he says."

I'll assume, no doubt accurately, that Britney's deposition consisted of her repeating over and over again the catchphrase for Fig Newtons in her new English accent: "It's not a cookie, mother. It's fruit and cake." I actually can't stop saying it right now. It's not a cookie, mother. Sweet Moses! Excuse me while I pay a homeless man to kick me in the eye with his hobo boot. If my next post seems to heavily involve tin cans, the bastard stole my keys and left me for dead. Call the police. I don't want him eating the last Toaster Strudel. I've got ten icing packets stored in my pillowcase; I cannot stress how important that is.* *Very.