On Wednesday’s General Hospital:

Carly sure has a way of making things all about her. She showed up at the jail to talk to Jason, who was waiting for yet another bail hearing, to go on and on about her one-month-old doomed marriage to Jax. Of course, Jason was able to set his personal problems aside to tell her she doesn’t need him to know what the right thing to do is. Jason was granted bail and arrived at home to direct Spinelli in the search for his son, confiding Sam and Amelia are his top two suspects.

Alexis stopped by to warn Sam about Amelia and get her daughter’s take on her illicit past. Sam spilled it all, confirming Amelia’s story and making no apologies to Alexis for doing what she felt she had to at the time to take care of her and Danny. The whole ordeal awoke guilt in Alexis for ever giving her up in the first place, but Sam stood up and took responsibility for the choices she made. Determined to hold on to everything she had left in life, she went toe to toe with Amelia telling the woman she believed was her friend to think twice before messing with her.

Lulu went to Shadybrook, this time to visit her step-mother instead of her mom. She offered the woman her support and help, even though she witnessed her still talking to “Alan’s Ghost.” While meeting with a PI for her, Lulu had a heart-to-heart with Logan. Though he would say it was another step in his master plan to seduce the girl, it’s more than obvious this unlikely pair is being drawn to each other. Back at Shadybrook, while going over the file on Scott Baldwin Lulu and Tracy learned he has a son.

Maxie and Logan got together to discuss their deal. She surprised Logan when she insisted she would need proof Logan had bedded Lulu before she would hold up her end of the bargain. “What proof, like you want to watch?” Logan teased. Bingo! Wow, Maxie, an all new low.

At episode’s end, Amelia phoned Maureen, the Everyday Heroes guest who had lost her infant daughter in a fire to inform her she needed some releases signed. To her shock, the woman said she no longer wanted to be featured on the show, but even more surprising was the sound of an infant crying in the background.

Warning! News and Spoilers Ahead!

• Don’t forget to watch ABC Friday during The View‘s timeslot for a sneak peak at ABC soaps sizzling story lines, included will be a first look at the Soapnet original series and GH spinoff, Nightshift.

Wife, mother, aspiring novelist, and music editor at BC Magazine, Connie Phillips spends most of her time in a fantasy land of her own creating. In reality, she writes about music, television, and the process of writing, when she’s not cheering on her kids at equestrian events. Contact: Phillips.connie@gmail.com

Despite what countless law enforcement officials and psychiatric professionals have to say on the matter, I wholeheartedly believe that the Earth is an interplanetary dumping ground for convicted alien psychopaths. This theory would certainly help to explain the steady increase of worldwide insanity, from suicidal terrorist organizations to the stuffy white clowns currently churning out unconstitutional laws like so much rancid butter. Oh, and the next time you catch your kooky neighbor performing naked pagan rituals in his or her backyard, ask yourself the following question: Do all human beings come equipped with twenty-seven lactating nipples and fourteen sets of slimy genitalia?

I think not, Mr. Psychological Expert.

John McNaughton's cheesy 1991 sci-fi comedy The Borrower is the perfect cinematic representation of my daunting xenophobia, a breezy 90-minute burst of gory alien paranoia. Even if it fails to provide you and your twisted kin with an evening's worth of demented entertainment, the film should definitely help push sales of Rodney Amateau's The Garbage Pail Kids Movie through the proverbial roof. Assuming, of course, that someone is willing to give McNaughton's misunderstood gem a proper Region 1 DVD release. Come on, Warner Home Video! I know you can do it!

When insectoid aliens need to quietly dispose of their unwanted serial killers, they simply transmutate these sadistic prisoners into hulking human beings and release them on the outskirts of New York City. However, the process used to conceal their extraterrestrial ancestry is an imperfect one, forcing these earthbound inmates to procure a new head whenever theirs happens to suddenly explode. Needless to say, the latest addition to the psychotic herd is having quite a few discouraging problems with his recently acquired craniums, issues which leave a large string of horribly disfigured bodies twitching in his wake. Only a seasoned female cop (Rae Dawn Chong) and her elderly partner can put an end to this creature's bloody reign of terror.

McNaughton's decision to helm The Borrower as his follow-up to the harrowing Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is an odd one, for sure. Perhaps the man needed a humorous project to thoroughly cleanse his palate of the nauseating atrocities sprinkled generously throughout his 1986 horror masterpiece. The Borrower, much to my giggling schoolgirl surprise, was much funnier than I had anticipated, extracting several nervous fits of genuine laughter from yours truly when most people would have run screaming for the STOP button. What can I say — decapitations are pretty hilarious.

However, since this is a John McNaughton picture, The Borrower has its fair share of uncomfortable graphic violence, most of which is aimed squarely at the Caucasian female population. The inclusion of a sexual predator subplot ultimately undermines the film's light-hearted tone, especially considering it adds up to nothing more than a few uneven scenes of needless cruelty and humiliation. It's almost as if McNaughton felt obligated to present something brutally shocking and oh so disturbing to prove to everyone that he hadn't gone soft. A simple suggestion for the inevitable Unrated Director's Cut Two-Disc Special Edition: Ditch the rapist, add more Tom Towles.

Seriously.

The cast, to the gasping delight of absolutely no one, is fairly basic. Rae Dawn Chong is the film's supposed lead, her latchkey performance careening wildly between simply tolerable and horribly melodramatic. In fact, the only people you'll really care about are Antonio Fargas and Tom Towles, though their combined screen time doesn't exactly runneth over. Again, the film could have been tightened considerably with the addition of more Towles/Fargas interaction and less touchy-feely moments of womanly melodrama.

The Borrower is fun, not fantastic. I'm assuming its absence on DVD is due to an overall lack of interest from the movie-going public, though I'm willing to bet there are people not unlike myself who would surely appreciate a crisp, clean widescreen transfer. As a follow-up to Henry, it's surprisingly pedestrian and lackluster, a drastic step backwards for the talented director. Furthermore, the prospective viewer is visually assaulted with several icky moments of unnecessary violence towards women, all of which seem out of place in a picture featuring an alien who steals human heads to stay alive. Naturally, only a select few will enjoy something as flawed and inconsistent as The Borrower.

And I'm willing to bet they're all from outer space.

Holy cow — don't try to drink beer and watch Daniel Tosh at the same time! Either you'll singe your nose hairs by spewing carbonated drink through your nostrils, or you just won't get the jokes. Where did this guy come from anyway? I hadn't heard of Daniel Tosh before Comedy Central or this DVD (yes, I'm ancient and not a college student, that could account for my density).

I caught a snippet of Tosh on Comedy Central before receiving Completely Serious, but that was nothing compared to the hour-long comedy on this disc. First, he's much more crude on the DVD, and there was a lot left out of the Comedy Central airing (with reason). Tosh has a dry sense of humor that digs on everyone — which I love. There seemed to be a time in comedy when making jokes of anyone other than a carbon copy of yourself (whites can only make fun of whites) seemed to rule the day. Those days are gone with the likes of Tosh and other comedians like Carlos Mencia (whose third season debut wasn't all that impressive – and last season I loved him – but I'll watch more and give him another chance).

But when did rednecks become the red-headed stepchildren of the comedy world? It seems like when comics are short on material they resort to bashing "rednecks" and it's getting kinda old. I mean really, now many redneck jokes can be out there? People in Nebraska don't really eat fried mayonnaise balls (do they?). Tosh is clearly rural-phobic and has issues with people who can survive outside the city limits. But other than his bias toward the country folk, the jokes were just downright good.

I loved that Tosh didn't use his standup time to beat some political dead horse, these were real jokes: this was no Next Comic Standing. This man has his hour-long shtick down pat. Although, I can fully see Tosh as the kid that was tortured and came home to cry on his mother's shoulder only to be told to suck it up and move on — so he put her in his act and slammed her.

Tosh takes a huge random joke and claims that he whittles that joke down till it only applies to about six people in the room — and the funny thing is, it's true. And he didn't shy away from anything: from abortion, Demi Moore, Bush (only one joke), wave runners, to Superman. But it's not for kids — don't even go there. He clearly has sexual issues with overtones of fearing God — and apparently a fat dick. Adults only.

Completely Serious is a must-have addition to your comedy shelf. His dry wit and sharp tongue are original and – best of all – funny!

Grab your cape and cowl and prepare for a ride into your childhood as you spin The New Adventures of Batman: Season 1 coming to DVD from Warner Bros. Grown fans of the Dynamic Duo will be thrilled to hear the voices of Adam West and Burt Ward as they reprise their roles of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.

The two DVDs are uniquely packaged in a style fit for retro DC Comics and contain sixteen crime-fighting, villain-stopping episodes. Each episode shows the caped crusaders battling all time favorites like Clayface, The Joker, Catwoman (sorry, not Michelle Pfieffer), and the Riddler. The whole package is excellently put together and provided my two children a rare glimpse into their father's childhood while enjoying the show they have come to love.

The New Adventures of Batman: Season 1 is an animated series that was produced by Filmation in 1977. The animation is not as clean and crisp as what we have in modern day cartoons but it adds a sense of the hand-drawn comic strips of old. It definitely shows that sometimes it is nice to go back to the way things used to be, although it does not answer the question of why it is that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson's eyes turn white as soon as they put on their masks.

The DVDs bonus features include "bat commentary" for two of the episodes by Filmation co-founder and producer Lou Scheimer and Filmation historian Michael Swanigan and also a documentary about the Batman's return to television with the release of the animated series.

This is a great chance for Batman fanatics to grab a hold of the first season of the cartoon. It also provides the newer bat-fans a chance to see what it is that drew us in so hard to the mystery of the bat. This is definitely a must have for the young and old Batman fans. Besides how can you go wrong with bat-might!

It takes a special kind of person to be a horror fan — I mean a real horror fan, the kind of guy who will sit through every crappy film he can get his hands on in hopes of finding a gem. It takes an even more special person to be a zombie fan, a real die hard zombie aficionado, to sit through all of the horrible zombie movies that come out each year. I do not claim to be as die hard as many, but I am willing to put myself through a lot in the search for a good zombie movie. All of that said, Zombie 4: After Death is not a good zombie film; it's not without some certain charms, but it is not a good zombie film. Hell, it isn't even a good movie, but here it is, and here I watch.

What appears to be the subtitle on the DVD, After Death (original Italian title: Oltre la morte), is actually the real title of the movie. the Zombie 4 tag was added as a marketing gimmick, tying it in with the other Zombie coming out of Italy, in the UK it is called Zombie Flesh Eaters 3. In actuality, it has no connection with the other Zombie films, most are in name only. I guess they figure if they add the Zombie tag, they will fool enough people into making some connection to Lucio Fulci's Zombi (aka Zombie 2, an unconnected sequel to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead, released as Zombie in Italy). Ugh, making sense of the Italian zombie family tree is enough to make your head hurt. All you really need to know is that none of these films are connected by anything more than the fact that they contain zombies.

Zombie 4: After Death opens on some unnamed island (presumably in the Caribbean, but actually shot in the Phillipines). In the caves beneath the jungle, a group of scientists (with the presence of mind to bring automatic weapons) are seeking to reason with a Voodoo priest upset with them for killing his daughter. They were actually looking for a cure for cancer and a way to defeat death. The priest, in retaliation, sacrifices his wife to hell, only for her to return as a zombie (looking more like a demonic possession) and kill all of them. There is one survivor, a young girl, perhaps four years old, who is able to outrun the fast-moving zombies and get away to some boat that is said to be waiting.

Fast forward some twenty years, a fact you will have to figure out on your own due to the lack of any narrative device to clue you in. A boat containing some mercenaries and a blonde woman (the grown child from the opening) are back in the vicinity of the island. An unknown force draws them to the island, and they're ready to become zombie fodder. At the same time, on the other side of the island, a trio of explorers find an item called "The Book of the Dead." Faster than you can say "uh-oh" they read the magic words, and the island is once again infested with the living dead. With some regularity, the groups are whittled down to the core characters that we will follow through to the end.

The filmmakers did not seem to know what kind of zombies they wanted to have. They are all dressed in black ninja outfits, and to make sure you are looking at a zombie, they all spit blood and goo from their mouths. Some of them are the slow, shambling zombies, while others are fast moving and possess kung fu skills. They also die pretty easily, generally the standard shot to the head works. Oh yes, there are also zombies that retain the use of speech and the ability to fire weapons.

If you are looking for a story, forget it. There are brief mentions of the scientists' research, but no one ever has any focus on finding anything, or even getting away from the creatures. The blonde woman, Jenny, doesn't even know what happened on this island, or why they shouldn't be there in the first place (you would think that she'd remember the death/murder of her parents). When it gets to the end, you will be left scratching your head as to what just happened, but still be a little happy with the best gore of the feature.

The movie is rather dull; none of the characters are likable and the whole thing is rather forgettable. Still, it is a zombie movie, and it is always fun to watch where they went so horribly wrong, where the film just flew off the rails. It happens pretty quick here, and the end result is still fun to watch if only to make fun of it along the way. Take, for example, two of our heroes fighting off a hoarde of zombies — cut to the next scene and it is daylight, and the two are sleeping in the same open area. What? You just have to laugh at the absurdity. Be on the lookout for more wackiness throughout.

After Death was directed by Claudio Fragasso (under the name Clyde Anderson) in two weeks, shooting primarily at night with equipment from another film he was working on. It stars porn star Jeff Stryker (using his real name of Chuck Peyton), and Candice Daly (who was only there because her boyfriend missed her and said there was a part for her).

Audio/Video. Considering how cheaply it was shot, and how poorly the negative was probably treated, it looks surprisingly good. It will never be confused for a Hollywood picture, but we should already know that going in. The dubbing is awful, adding to the comedy. Still, Shriek Show has done a good job delivering this little known flick to an unsuspecting public.

Extras. There are a couple here, text liner notes and a biography of Fragasso that are near impossible to read in their tiny fonts, as well as video interviews with Fragasso, Candice Daly, and Jeff Stryker. Rounding out the extras are a movie trailer for the feature, as well as a few other Shriek Show releases, and a hidden trailer for Zombi.

Bottom line. This is a bad movie, there is absolutely no getting around it. The effects are poor, the acting atrocious, what else can be said? The fact that I was able to watch it, and would not be surprised if I reach for it again in the future? Perhaps that is all that these things need to do, offer up cheap entertainment that you find yourself drawn to, flying in the face of all reason.

Not Recommended (unless you are a die hard zombie fan)

Christopher Beaumont spends much of his time writing about entertainment when he isn’t sitting in a movie theater. He is known around the office as the “Movie Guy” and is always ready to talk about his favorite form of entertainment and offer up recommendations. Interests include science fiction, horror, and metal music. His writings can be found at Draven99’s Musings, as well as Film School Rejects.

Tonight’s episode, “Grave Doubts” offered a closer look into some of the chief characters in the series. Brenda’s father has discovered she’s “living in sin” with Fritz, her FBI boyfriend. She’s beside herself and doesn’t know quite what to do. In fact, halfway through this episode Brenda’s mother tells her that her father doesn’t want to talk to her, but he has written her a letter. Brenda’s reaction is totally Southern female no matter what the age.

Brenda has always been a daddy’s girl, and her current situation leaves her mortified. She doesn’t know what to do. The last time her daddy wrote her a letter, she had been a freshman in college and had received a B- in a history class. She had disappointed him. Living with a man she’s not married to is a really big deal in her father’s eyes.

The murder of this week revolves around the corpse of a young black male who disappeared back in 1992. He’s so mummified that he’s unrecognizable and potentially can’t be identified. He has a driver’s license on him, but they don’t know if that’s who he really is.

The real kicker is that the corpse has Lieutenant Provenza’s card on him. Provenza gave out a lot of cards fifteen years ago and doesn’t remember the name or the face on the driver’s license.

Before long, though, Brenda and her team start making headway. The forensics doctor lets them know that whoever the dead man is, he was murdered. They find a bullet lodged in his chest where his heart would have been. All indications are that he was shot during a struggle.

After they get a tentative ID on the corpse, Brenda goes down to a local gang rehabilitation center to interview Father Jack, a legendary figure in the neighborhood who has worked for years to get gang members off the streets. This avenue of the investigation immediately grates on Sergeant Gabriel’s nerves. Father Jack is an iconic figure to him, a man who has done immense good in the neighborhoods.

Not only that, but the investigation draws fire from a political figure who happens to be the dead man’s younger brother and a huge supporter of Father Jack. Before Brenda knows it, nobody seems to like her. Her superior, Pope, warns her to handle the case with kid gloves. Brenda takes that suggestion into consideration for about five seconds (a long time for her), then handles the case the way she wants to handle it.

The usual deep background investigation takes place, and all the truths, lies, and half-truths spill out. While the action in this episode is more low-key than in many, the emotional stakes are pumped through the roof. Sergeant Gabriel and Brenda – for the first time ever – end up on opposite sides of the fence in what is almost a grudge match.

The ongoing anticipation of finding out what exactly Brenda’s father has said to her in the letter is well done and doesn’t deliver on that until the final few minutes of the episode.

Especially nice, because he’s one of my favorite characters on the show, are the gentle touches done with Lieutenant Provenza. You can see the way he’s hurting and confused over what he might have missed fifteen years ago. A cry for help went out and he failed to follow up on it. When they tell the mother that her son’s body has finally been found, Provenza’s sorrow and silent support of the woman is almost painful to watch. Brenda remains totally clued in as to what’s going on and the torturous path that the lieutenant is following.

All in all, tonight’s episode was emotionally gratifying. I didn’t learn as much about police work or other background stuff that I usually do during episodes, but I had a good time with this one. It yanked at the heartstrings and left me in a good place when it was finished.

However, we’re going to have to wait to see how the fallout from this case affects Brenda’s relationship with Sergeant Gabriel.