This just in from my pal Armida, who's kindly translated Javier Bardem's acceptance speech.

"Mamá, esto va por ti, por los abuelos Rafael y Matilde. Va por los cómicos de España que llevaron la dignidad y el orgullo a nuestro oficio. Esto es para España".

"Mom, this is for you and for grandpa Rafael and grandma Matilde. This is for the Spanish comedians that carried, with dignity and pride, our trade. This is for Spain."

Armida explains: This is specially significant, because the Bardems are a clan of artists, since the Spanish civil war or even before. They were traveling artists that would go from town to town in Franco's Spain and performed at the plazas. These are Javier's grandparents and uncles. The mother, Pilar is a grand dame, a very important actress in Spain. She was politically active against Franco and an active Spainish leftist.

Wesley explains: I'll be able to do this for myself in a few months.

Hey, having soldiers in Baghdad present the documentary-short Oscar was pretty inspired. They should have done the same for the feature category, which Alex Gibney won for "Taxi to the Dark Side." That was the strongest category after supporting actor and cinematography.

The necrology reel is always weird. The selective applause feels tacky. It's like a popularity meter that just makes the whole tribute feel so, so -- Ooo, audible applause for "Sembène Ousmane." Wait, who the bleep is "Sembène Ousmane?" Oh, for crying out loud, Ousmane Sembène. Hey Academy producers, you forgot "Keith Ledger," too.

(I've since done a little research and found out that the name reversal is the French style. So take that, me.)

Isn't Penelope tired of presenting the "foreign-language" film Oscar? Even if she's never done it before, doesn't it seem as if she has?

Patrick Dempsey is "versatile" how exactly?

Oh my God, this "Enchanted" number is like being at somebody-I-can't-stand's wedding reception. I don't want to sleep with anyone in the bridal party, and the bar just closed. I want to go home, but my ride is getting some bridesmaid's phone number. Arrgh.

Somebody please fix John Travolta's tie.

Hey, the audience loves that the "Once" just won. Hollywood likes Frappuccino music, too. Jon Stewart's one-liners are good. He just called super-earnest Glen Hansard "arrogant." Sometimes his rudeness is classy. Ha ha, and he just made Travolta, who's a really good sport, run across the stage for the annual "parked car" gag (this time it was Travolta's jet).

Here are some Academy-approved facts about honorary Oscar-winner Robert Boyle.

Hey hey, it's the "Once" song. I like the guitar shop the producers built behind these two. It's very Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Speaking of "hall of fame" or "rock 'n' roll" (you decide), heeeeere's Jack, who's been given his most thankless Oscar task in years. He's introducing the semi-obligatory best-picture reel, a lot of which is nothing to brag about. Has anybody seen "Gandhi" lately? What about "Dances With Wolves?" How refreshing would it be if they presented the reel of movies that lost the Oscar?

What was that picture they showed for "Roderick Jaynes," the Coens' editing alias? Incidentally, "The Bourne Ultimatum" has three craft Oscars. If the Academy loved it so much, why didn't they nominate it for anything else?

It's Nicole Kidman. Let the universal bump inspections begin.

Cate Blanchett just cringed at her "Elizabeth" best-actress clip. I know the feeling, Cate. But seriously: who's picking the clips this year? Who doing the voting? Marion Cotillard just won, which feels kind of miraculous. I'm shocked. But not as shocked as she was. She thanked love. She said they really were angels in Los Angeles. The French have such an enviable sense of romance. Even better: Did anybody catch a teary Amy Ryan smiling a few rows behind Cotillard's man?

I know Kristen Chenoweth is, like, this Broadway goddess and all, but she's way too polished for a song like that. It's the only further insult to Amy Adams injury.

Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill really do seem like they stopped by the Oscars on the way to some cousin's bar mitzvah. But their Halle Berry-Judi Dench shtick is sort of charming.

"The Bourne Ultimatum" just deservedly won the sound awards - one of the winners made a joke about kissing "Halle Berry" that would have made him Adrien Brody.

The how-the-we-vote reel is like a "News Hour" segment, with some laughs.

Sorry, it's only right now sinking in: Tilda Swinton? For real? As my friend Mark said: All she did in that movie was sweat.

Hold it. Hold it. Jessica Alba is the "always wonderful Jessica Alba?" Is the Maxim staff writing the introductions? Or, better yet, the grandparents of the Maxim staff?

Who let the Coen brothers out of the teachers' lounge?

Oh, no it's Sid Ganis. I'm going to the bathroom. I smell more clips.