Brooke Hogan hosted a charity boxing event over the weekend that will be featured on an episode of her new reality show Brooke Knows Best. I always like to see others succeed*, so here's a few tips that Brooke should know best about: 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters "T, R, A, N, S." 4. Lead with the boobs. Your mother had them installed as some sort of cruel affront to God and nature so you might as well flaunt those round, blasphemous fun-bags like it's your job. (Hint: It is.) Best of luck to you! I guarantee to never watch your show, The Superficial Writer *Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and the entire cast of The Hills excluded. And, oh yeah, Dustin Diamond.

Mariah Carey will appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show today to show off her amazing diet secrets. Turns out it's as easy as hiring your own personal chef while you stand around your kitchen like a moron. Get out! Here I was deep-frying entire pints of Ben & Jerry's. Ha! I was way off.

Unlike her current imitators such as Paris Hilton, the now-dyed Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe the original blonde bombshell made a sex tape that ended up being classified by the FBI. I doubt copies of "A Night in Paris" are locked away next to the Ark of the Covenant. The vintage tape was declassified and was sold to a collector for a whopping $1.5 million. (Note: Porn is free on the internet. Just sayin'.) The tape only features Marilyn Monroe having oral sex with an unidentified man whose face remains off camera, according to the New York Post:

The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-'60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe's sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.
The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.

The legendary film was sought by others when it's existence became known. The FBI had confiscated the tape from an informant but not before he made a copy:

According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.
"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."

All I have to say is, what the shit? People gave blowjobs in the '50s??! Annnd I'm impotent. Good game, penis.

Victoria Beckham's clothing line is being pulled from Fred Segal's and Kitson. Much like Posh Spice her clothes turned into a stick thin anomaly with a freakishly large head. Okay, that metaphor kind of sucked, but I think you get my point. InTouch reports:

Posh's DVB denim range is being dropped due to poor sales and a lack of promo work from the Spice Girl herself. "We asked her PR people so many times for her to appear but she didn't," said Kitson owner, Fraser Ross. "Celebrity lines are no different from an album or music tour. They have to be promoted to sell."

What else does Victoria Beckham have to do besides show up to promote her clothing line? I mean, it's not like she's got a full schedule or anything - she's Victoria Beckham. I bet if you asked five random people on the street who she was, only one might know the correct answer: That's she Katie Holmes' clone for organ harvesting purposes. Duh! Geez, America, read a book.