Written by Caballero Oscuro

DOA: Dead or Alive might as well be called Dead on Arrival for its overall chances of box-office success this weekend, but here’s the surprise: it’s a fun guilty pleasure! Sure, your head might hurt if you try to make any sense out of the paper-thin plot, but if you’re going to this film for the story, you’re in the wrong place anyway. It fully delivers on what it promises: babes in bikinis and hot martial arts action. What’s more, it’s easily the most entertaining film inspired by a video game to date (sorry, Uwe Boll).

The film is based on a long-running fighting game series legendary for its stunning graphics and supernaturally bouncy heroines. The game characters have also been transitioned to a beach volleyball side series that factors into the film as well. While the games have basic storylines, the real attractions are the fast-paced matches and stunning characters and backgrounds, traits they share with this film.

So how do you make a film out of a fighting game? First, hire a competent action director, which they’ve covered quite nicely here with veteran Hong Kong action auteur Corey Yuen (The Transporter, So Close). Next, sign some attractive young lasses with moderate name recognition, again well-done with a genetically superior cast headed by Jaime Pressly and Devon Aoki. Finally, add in skimpy outfits and outlandish fighting moves and simmer to perfection.

The story finds the ladies (and a few men) traveling to an exotic resort island to challenge each other in a tournament to determine the best fighter. Fights can be staged at any time, so the contestants wear electronic bracelets to alert them to their next match. Minor subplots are thrown in, such as the relationships between Tina (Pressly) and her father as well as Kasumi (Aoki) and her brother, but the main attraction is the tournament. Of course there’s an evil villain behind the whole tournament, and there’s no denying the film has completely earned classic B-movie status when the baddie turns out to be Eric Roberts. There are no major surprises in the main plot, it’s strictly a fight to the finish where the best contestants face off in the final boss battle to save the world.

Yuen keeps the action moving at all times, never letting the pace slow down. He expertly stages and films all of the fights, particularly a gorgeous match in the rain on the beach. The film contains plenty of amazing action feats that will leave viewers alternately awestruck and grimacing in sympathetic pain, although the overall effect is kept mostly light-hearted due to the exhibition nature of the tournament. The tropical beach setting makes for some spectacular backdrops for the fights, and also allows for a 2-on-2 bikini volleyball match that rivals Top Gun for sexiest volleyball game ever.

There are no stellar acting performances to single out, although Pressly gets the most mileage out of her twangy Southern character. On the action front, all of the primary characters seem to hold their own admirably in performing their fair share of the stunts. They’re cute, they’re perky, and they kick ass, putting this film in the same class as D.E.B.S., Aoki’s previous B-movie acronym gem. Dead or Alive is a long way from Shakespeare, but it’s a breezy, action-packed diversion sure to entertain viewers willing to check their brains at the door.

I love Jason Statham’s movies for the most part, and no one else could have pulled off the role of Handsome Rob in The Italian Job with the flair that he did. Statham has a swagger like no other, and the bull-necked stride he uses to catch up to his prey in his Transporter movies is awesome.

However, Crank just didn’t deliver. Like its protagonist, it had an erratic heart rhythm. At times the movie sailed for short bursts, then it collapsed under its own weight.

Statham stars as Chev Chelios, a hitman who’s been injected with a Chinese poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops to a resting beat. He has to find ways to stay amped up throughout the movie or die (as if having a death threat hanging over his head wouldn’t automatically do that).

With that premise, Statham kills, crashes, attacks, and confronts everything and everyone that gets in his way as he struggles to keep his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) out of harm’s way and get his pound of flesh in revenge. The action lags a little from time to time despite the pressure and push of the situation, and it’s far too easy to get confused over who’s who and what’s going on.

The movie was written and directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, both of whom have a mass of credits in the film business in stunts, photography, acting, and special effects. They definitely knew the audience they were going for, and they went for the throat.

I just didn’t buy into Statham’s character, even though I was predisposed to like him. The character was too thin, and there wasn’t anything to root for. I didn’t feel like I ever got to know him. Everyone else around him were cardboard cutouts.

Stunt-heavy, the movie didn’t quite come together in that area either. I missed Statham’s martial arts. Not that he does them in every movie, but we were left with endless gunfights and violent action that was more brutal than choreographed.

Even when the plot came together at the end, impossibilities stack on each other to the breaking point. There was no way everything could have gone down the way the movie showed it. The final confrontation at the end would have been impossible to pull off without some of Chelios’s enemies knowing what was coming.

In the end, Crank is a decent watch for a guy’s night out. It comes with a “family-friendly” version on the disc, but the overall story isn’t family friendly by any stretch of the imagination, and it’s too watered down for action fans.

Ghidorah is an odd outing for the Godzilla series. It’s widely regarded as the turning point for the series in which Toho’s monster icon switched his role from city destroyer to city helper. That’s not entirely correct, though it is definitely on the lighter side of Toho’s monster output of the decade.

What the film does so well in terms of the monster canon is balance both the goofy fun and serious tone so well. Godzilla’s initial appearance here is spectacular, providing decent city destruction and some memorable shots of the beast emerging from the water. His early battle with Rodan carries this over with great back and forth action.

Of course, in a movie featuring a whopping four monsters, all heading into battle at once, something has to give. Mothra’s appearance here hardly carries the weight of the monster’s prior appearance against Godzilla. There has to be some reason Godzilla and Rodan stop their rumbling to combine their forces to combat the outer space invader Ghidorah (who appears quite late in the film given the title credit, and it’s an even longer wait in the Japanese version).

Constant Godzilla movie contributor Shinichi Sekizawa decided on letting the monster’s talk to each other, leading to a classic dubbed line “Do you think I understand monster talk?” This is easily taken as the point where the series would follow a different path, yet King Kong vs. Godzilla would be pure comedy at the sake of monstrous creations two years prior.

The human drama is actually the centerpiece however, and as odd as it can be, it carries quite a bit of weight in terms of meshing with the monster action. Akiko Wakabayashi, a future Bond girl, plays the role of a princess who somehow escapes from an exploding plane only to become a prophet who accurately predicts the coming of the giant monster disaster. This is a storyline only fitting of a Toho kaiju effort in this sense.

On the other side, there’s a kidnapping drama, some detective work, multiple fast action shootouts, and a mountain excursion investigating what eventually becomes Ghidorah’s egg. While purely incidental, the finale between human and monster interjects multiple times, both killing and saving the humans. It gives some purpose to the build up, and a way to clear up the human saga of the story without moving away from the monster melee everyone came to see.

The special effects are in grand Toho style, loaded with excellent miniature work that would be used for stock footage as budgets were cut later in the series. Ghidorah’s initial appearance, flying over a heavily populated business district raining yellow beams of death, is amongst the most impressive destruction you’ll find in the genre, whether western or eastern in origin. The amount of pupeteering required to operate Mothra, Ghidorah’s three heads, and a flying Rodan, and more is truly a feat of dedication to the craft.

Akira Ifukube’s soundtrack adds weight to the battle, regardless of how oddball it can be at times. The unforgettable “Godzilla March” is used in full force, though sadly altered for reasons unknown when the US cut was released. It also manages to make the campy “monster talk” sequence tolerable and logical, when without it, it would simply be a low point.

Alterations to the film were mostly made to quicken pacing when the film arrived in the US a year after its Japanese release. The shifting of scenes is generally beneficial, and gives the movie a better flow. Instead of splitting scenes such as the government conference up, it’s one sequence and allows the later battle between Godzilla and Rodan to stay on screen for an extended period.

If anything, Ghidorah is memorable for the introduction of a Godzilla foe that would follow the Japanese icon through his entire career all the way up to 2004’s Godzilla – Final Wars. It started here, and whether or not you’re a fan of the film, obviously something was right if the creature continued to reappear to rake in box office dollars. While a step down from Godzilla vs. Mothra, this is a wildly fun follow up.

Both versions of the film are contained on one side of this single disc DVD release. The US cut is of a lesser quality, somewhat faded and softer. That said, both versions are in remarkable condition. Damage is limited to multiple pass special effects shots, which it’s to be expected. Compression is well controlled, and the clarity of the Japanese print is deserving of high praise. This is the best presentation of the film to date, and it’s a proper way to bring the film to these shores on DVD for the first time.

Audio is par for the course. While clean and crisp, nothing has been done to bring this up to date as Toho did for the Japanese DVD release. It’s a mono presentation that delivers all the needed sound and nothing else.

Classic Media handles the release of their Godzilla line in the same cardboard packaging. While it feels fragile, it’s a gorgeous presentation in a slim case in-line with the other DVDs they’ve produced.

Extras include a short yet informative feature on the special effects master behind these films, Eiji Tsuburaya. This could have been included on any Godzilla DVD, and there’s nothing to tie it to the actual film on the disc. Still, it’s nicely put together relevant information. A nice photo gallery is also included.

The commentary by David Kalat, author of A Critical History and Filmography of Toho’s Godzilla Series, is definitely unique. To say he’s a true Godzilla fanatic would be understating things. The commentary is all over the place though, discussing other movies, constantly defending the US re-cut, and even heading into the history of other films in the series while ignoring the film he’s supposed to commentating on. It’s informative, just not what you might expect.

Ghidorah would prove a popular enough monster to bring him back for a second battle a year later in Godzilla vs. Monster Zero or Invasion of the Astro Monster. This would take place on an entirely different planet before heading to Earth. It would contain a piece of camp that would haunt the series forever, Godzilla’s dancing victory jig that is impossible to defend even for fans.

Matt Paprocki is the reviews editor for Digital Press, a classic video game website which he called home after his fanzine (Gaming Source) published its final issue. The deep game collection which spans nearly 30 systems and 2,000 games line his walls for reasearch purposes. Really. He has also begun writing freelance for the Toledo Free Press.